How to Take Control.

So, you want to be a man who knows how to take charge in bed.

You’re not alone.

Learning how to feel comfortable taking the lead in intimate situations is a common request. Taking on a more dominant role in the bedroom can be exciting and intimidating all at the same time.

Let’s break down the key elements needed to understand why taking charge can be sexy and how to lead confidently.

Why It's Worthwhile

First, why do many women love when a man knows how to take charge in bed? Women want (and should) be treated with respect and equality, not as an objectified piece of meat. How do we negotiate between the idea of respect and dominance that seem in direct conflict?

The fact that any women enjoy being in a submissive role in a sexual context, and get turned on by a dominant behavior, can be difficult to understand. Yet, there is a big difference between everyday life and a sexual fantasy created within the safe confines of the bedroom.

Women who want to be dominated in the bedroom but also treated with respect and kindness once the erotic fantasy is over are not contradicting themselves. Show that you understand this and you are halfway to successfully mastering taking control in the bedroom.

Let Her Live Out Her Desires

In bed, many women want to be able to let go and live out their innermost desires. Yes, this can include domination! The word ‘dominance’ generally has a negative connotation; many people worry that it entails painful violence or psychological oppression. In this case, none of that is true.

Instead, it is about freeing your partner and facilitating an experience where she can live out her sexuality. That is, by definition, the opposite of oppression.

Test the Waters

If you still are not sure about whether your partner gets turned on by being dominated, you can test it out. While you’re kissing in foreplay, carefully, and without saying something, gently take one of your partner’s hands and hold it behind her head. Then also take her other hand and place it behind her head. Continue kissing her and keep her hands in the same position as one of yours. Then as you finish the kiss, use your other hand to touch and caress her body. See how she reacts. Ask if she liked the experience.

Start Taking the Lead

Taking charge in bed can simply be about leading your partner. Touching her with determination and self-confidence can be a powerful shift in your intimate play. Take the lead and initiate sex without hesitating. Tap into your confidence. Instead of asking your partner to do something, tell her to do it. Use your body to move and control her body. Lift her up from the ground. Throw her on the bed or push her up against the wall. You don’t need to exaggerate, but just let her feel your confidence in taking the lead.

However, it is important to remember this doesn’t have to be so overtly physical. An incredibly effective and subtle way to exhibit confidence is to lift her chin with your finger when you’re about to kiss her and look into her eyes.

To dominate and take charge is about leading the interaction and a good leader always ensures that their partner’s desires are fulfilled.

How stepping into your power can be truly liberating. By: Gigi Engle

If you’ve wanted to step into your power and be the dominant partner during sex, you’re not alone. Those who were socialized as female (or women) are typically not encouraged to step into and own their power. Where would the long-outdated patriarchy be if we were told we had just as much of a right to sexual empowerment as men do?

Many of us crave the chance to take control. And the bedroom is a great place to start. Here’s how to do it.

Explore Female-Led Erotic Material

Get some ideas by watching, listening to, or reading erotic materials that will actually inspire you. Obviously, porn is not a representation of real-life sex, but it can certainly act as a turn-on and show you what you’re capable of (and give you ideas on what you might be interested in exploring).

If porn feels out of your comfort zone, focus on resources that work for you. Start with our Arya Fantasy Stories to get a sense of what you like. Read the written stories or listen to the audio versions to see which style you prefer – this can differ from person to person, and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to enjoy them! Think of book, movie, or TV characters that gave off a powerful energy that you could tap into. What about them would you want to emulate in your erotic adventures? You could even invoke your favorite fierce singer or rapper! Again, whatever you feel most closely connected with is the best option for you.

Building this kind of mental bank filled with strong imagery and powerful personas can help you to feel confident talking about your fantasies with a partner – which is the first step to IRL domming. You have the permission. Now run with it.

Set Boundaries

In order to have a good experience taking a sexual lead, you need to be aware of what you do and don’t want out of the experience. Think hard about what would turn you on about being in control.

It is being bossy? Using toys on your partner? Maybe some light bondage? These questions deserve consideration. Knowing which role both you and your partner want to have in each Scene makes it hotter and easier for both of you to enjoy.

Set a safe word. This is a word that indicates that your limit (or your partner’s limit) has been crossed. It means play should stop and you regroup. Choose something non-sexual like Barbados, strawberry, etc.

Embrace Your Power

It’s time to tap into that confidence, babe. Being in control is incredibly hot. When you start, try directing your partner. It’s time to use that voice. Curious about some examples you can try out for yourself? Try phrases like: Touch me here. Move your hands this way. Lie down, so I can ride you. Use commands, not questions.

Remember this is playtime and it should be fun. There really is no “right way” to be the leader during sex. Expect to learn as you go and be flexible with the Scene as it unfolds. There will be hiccups along the way, but that’s all part of the fun. If something isn’t working for you, it’s okay to take a break or change course.

Get Some Gear

Tools and toys during sex are such a fun way to play with power exchange. As part of your journey with Arya, you will receive playful props and wonderful toys to try. Experiment by using these items both on yourself and on your partner. The sky's the limit, as long as you’re the one maintaining control during the scene.

Make Time for Aftercare

Taking time to reconnect after any power play session is essential. This can look like cuddling, talking, taking time to yourself, or anything else that allows you both to connect emotionally.

Take time to reconnect, regroup, and discuss what you liked (and didn’t like) about the experience. Again, just like everything else, it’s about figuring out which practices work best and what works for both you and your partner. The more open and honest you and your partner can be, the better you can shape your next round of playtime to ensure that both of you truly enjoy it to the fullest.

Gigi Engle is a journalist and certified sex educator specializing in Gender, Sexuality, and Relationship Diversity. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.